How defensiveness shuts down progress (and what to do instead)

We’ve all been there.

Someone gives us feedback, and before they finish, we’re already building our defense.

That’s human—but it’s also harmful.

Defensive Listening in Real Life

Let’s say an employee says:

“I feel like no one supports my growth here.”

You respond with a list:

• “We just sent you to training.”

• “You were promoted last year.”

• “We give you stretch projects all the time.”

None of that answers the feeling. It just protects your position.

Try This Instead

Here are three shifts I’ve made in my own leadership to combat defensive listening:

1. Pause before you react
   Take a breath. Ask, “What’s the real need underneath this?”

2. Ask, don’t argue
   “What does support look like to you?”

3. Stop trying to be right
   Growth beats ego. Every time.

The Bottom Line

Defensiveness creates distance. Curiosity builds trust.
If you want your team to grow, show them you’re listening for more than facts.